Speedboat , Shortcut to Sex Pt 1 How to Date with Integrity

SPEEDBOAT, Shortcut to Sex    

lusty lake

      Forget the rowboat…

            Let’s climb in the  Speedboat…                                                                                                                           Motors are great if you are looking for speed and intensity and a shorter trip.

But speedboats need fuel to move forward. They can run out of gas.

                                                                                       

Relationship boats depend on the skill of the oarsmen and communication to propel forward. People who have the skills to communicate, develop the perseverance to work together and adapt to the extreme adventure of difficult challenges.

A friend stated, “When I was young, if things got crazy and we would start arguing, I would just kiss him real hard. It would distract him and the problem would go away for a while.”

  • Sex is powerful and created by God as a beautiful expression of faithful love and intimacy reserved for marriage, even though the temptation exists.
  • Outside of marriage, sex is a speedboat. For some, it is a comfortable delusion to skip the rowing stuff. Far from shore if the boat runs out of fuel—it is stuck without oars. God is not the pilot. The sensual smokescreen down, it may be a shock when we face each other in deep water—the boat is vulnerable to changing weather conditions and an unprepared crew.

Once I boarded a sailboat in the Santa Cruz harbor with a good friend. We had been invited for a sail around the bay. We cautiously stepped down rickety steps into a knotty pine cabin and a sign greeted us below deck. “On this vessel, all marriages are conducted by the captain and limited to the duration of the voyage.” We left after a brief visit.

The Decision … to reserve the gift of intimacy for your mate                                                                                                                                      … is made before the date.

You are gifting your future mate with the privilege of knowing you intimately, as God intended. The past behind you, your decision now will plant seeds for a new future and reap benefits. As you initiate self-control and overcome temptation through God’s strength as a single, you will build confidence in your ability to remain faithful in your marriage.

         It is God’s will you should be holy; that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. (I Thes 4:3, 4)

God’s manual for relationships, the Bible, is loaded with tools to relate to each other as God intended. From the wisdom and insights of Proverbs in the Old Testament, to Jesus and the New Testament, invitation to believe and receive His Spirit, born-again children of God (John 3:7)…loved, forgiven and free… we are encouraged to love others wisely and unselfishly.

  • What are the Biblical actions of love as described in the definition of love from,              I Corinthians 13

The will to follow Jesus, and draw upon His strength to live as He intended in our relationships, is possible as we trust and obey Him. We can trust He knows us because He loves us and made us. Romance was His idea since He created man and woman, Adam and Eve, in the Garden of Eden.

Next week we will talk about how lines of respect drawn while dating sets the tone for respect in marriage, and more…

                                                                      Copyright  © 2017 DeeAspin

sketches by Erin Bambery-Veliquette  erinwriter.com

Dealbreakers, Unity and Minoring in the Minors

I wrote this as a single woman 3 years ago and now as a married woman..it still rings true. So I decided to repost it.

Dealbreakers. A counselor stated the Biggies, the ones difficult to overcome Anytime are the three A’s: Addiction. Adultery. Abuse.  But what are smaller ones that can tip the tea for two?

Do we know what we need to find peace and maintain stability before God and man on a daily basis?

What lifestyle choices  do we live out weekly, seasonally, annually that defines much of our activity in life—affecting those around us?  In relationships where we learn of one another and begin to grow together, we process more what our majors and minors are. Our dealbreakers. For any relationship to move forward we must major in the majors and minor in the minors.

For example, some people see their homes as a private place, their sanctuary from people. One of my first roommates was like this; she didn’t like visitors to come to the home. She would meet them somewhere. It floored me at the time. Some see their home as a place of comfort for friends and family and treat those who visit as extended family. They like lots of interaction outside and inside the home.

Are we active, outdoors people or homebody, gardener types? Homebodies enjoy their home on their time off. They don’t want to be running around busy on the weekends. They want to relax. Active people can feel trapped by walls. Which leads to the definition of relaxing. What is calming to one person is not calming to another.

Consider sound. Hard rock, jazz, country, quiet classical- tastes in music . HOw and when we listen to music can cause strife. Is it all day constant or just at mealtimes? I knew a man who waited for the days he had off and  his wife was at work so he “didn’t have to listen to his wife’s music.”

Is the television on all the time or never? Do we use the television like white noise to sleep or relax? Or does the sound of the television set drive us crazy?

How do we spend money to relax? Rented movies, big toy shopping trips… How do we spend money, period. Saver, spender, bargain hunter, tightwad? Do we view money as ours or see ourselves as stewards of the finances God gives us?

So many areas of a relationship can rock the boat of contentment and harmony and ultimately end the time a couple spends together. If they decide it is not something they can live out on a permanent basis.

Once I dated a man who had such a conviction about alcohol he did not want me to cook with it. Being Italian and cooking with garlic, onions, and wine felt natural. It was a difficult decision for me coming to terms with the extent of his addiction and my small sacrifice, which at the time, I resented. God changed me. This was a minor. He convicted me to stop trying to change his mind about the effects of cooking on alcohol. Instead I wrote a poem, which is what writers do with their feelings. Love demands of us a series of small commitments and sacrifices of time and effort to demonstrate love in action and shows God is working in us to create unity.

Accepting you, accepting me,

Discovering Places we agree,

Allowing differences to be.

Not trying to change, the path you have lived,

The convictions that give

You the power to walk,

In your faith….dearly sought

At peace in God’s sight as before Him you stand

I need not be right, for I do see His hand

Upon you, upon me,

Creating

Unity.

“If your brother is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer acting in love….for the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.” Romans 14:15,17

Thoughts on Dating and the Maze and Haze

Dating is like figuring out a  maze. Last night I spoke with two single friends and am so glad I am done with dating after literally a lifetime—married now 9 months almost!!  But it is impossible to get married without the D-a-t-i-n-g  word so… afterthoughts.

Dating can be a craze-maze if we are still processing our dysfunctional past—if we were raised where we were not given the opportunity to voice opinions and reason, or negotiate to resolve conflict or differences growing up. If we are indecisive. Apprehensive. Afraid. Unsure of ourselves.Low self esteem. 1×1 = 1  Two whole people multiplied makes one whole relationship. 1/2 times 1/2 = 1/4  Yikes!

In single parent homes we often do not learn how couples communicate—because  men and women communicate differently.Their brains are actually physiologically different—we are shortsighted. ie. Men need their caves for refreshing. We need to let them go there. Not resent what we don’t understand. Women need communication. Men need to tell us what they are doing or not doing. And ask us questions. We both need to always clarify what we are hearing each other say. “I heard you say this… did you mean this” before jumping to conclusions…because we hear words differently.

It’s a maze if we were in a committed co-dependent relationship or marriage where in order to remain together we had to cease to exist (no voice)—and enter dating at twenty years old or dating again at forty years old we feel behind the curve of ability.

So with the empty bag of tools we possess to garden weeds out of a relationship and plant seeds…we learn it. We learn how to sow the ground for good communication through years of trial and error, counsel and observation, prayer and pain.( Unless we are blessed to meet a person who has great communication skills, which was pretty non-existent in my dating life.)

The good news is that God marries imperfect people all the time. Marriage doesn’t mean we have arrived as amazing communicators at any level. But it ensures we get to work on it if we marry someone who loves us enough to listen and we love them enough to listen so we can both learn to communicate well – we can grow together  and individually.

People will always get together, and even have successful marriages in spite of rocky courtships or relationships. Once I received a note from a friend who was in a dysfunctional relationship. I didn’t know the answers, but remembered stories, so shared…

I will be praying. Sometimes people don’t know what love is if it has always been dysfunctional. They don’t know that without all the intensity of the crazies, a secure and peaceful relationship with good communication is true love. They have to learn to like normal.

I know you don’t want to hold your hopes up, that is the hardest part. But this is your first break-up with Greg and he may realize later that he has the feelings—when you are not in his life. Emotionally numb.

I met a women who was happily married with children 15 years when I last saw her. But in her twenties her fiancé, now husband, broke their engagement  multiple times. We couldn’t believe her response hanging in there unruffled. She calmly prayed with her Bible study group the night he broke up the 5th time “Oh, he’s just afraid again.”

Another couple our age who were engaged and broke up recently are now back together and doing well. Dr. Dobson in his rules of dating, posted, “Many couples have a breakup before marriage. It is part of the process.  If it is not to be, then you are both better for having dated each other….because you know more what a healthy relationship should be.”

That’s why I never regretted old dating relationships. God uses all things for good. No good thing will he withhold from those who walk uprightly Ps 84:11

I am confident God has the right one for you, whether it is Mr Man in Question or someone we can’t see yet. YOu are wonderful inside out.  Stay focused. In quietness and confidence is your strength. (Isaiah 30:15) He will give you peace and steady you.”

Parting thought: As a dating single, I said to myself in those tough times when seemed no one is out there, or fresh from a  break- up–

“There is always another man.”

If you are a guy reading this, “there is always another woman.”

So don’t give up. There are many people looking for someone to love at all ages….

 

Coping with a College Break-Up

Advice for a College Break-UP

My friend recently asked for prayer for her daughter who is experiencing a variety of emotions after a college break-up – inability to concentrate, sleep well, teary…it brought me back.

We can forget how break-ups affect us if it’s been awhile. Good thing our mind can’t remember pain, physical or mental—only that it hurt a lot. I remember when my eardrum popped after my brother kicked a hole in it while we were swimming underwater creating currents. From that point on I stay away from people horsing around or swimming near me in water. But alleviating physical pain is easier to figure out than emotional pain.

The first time I had a major break-up  (talk of marriage leads to continuing into forever or breaking up)was in my twenties. I had the lack-of-foresight to go to work the next morning after drama and tears the evening before. And I proceeded to make the worst nursing error of my life which forever grafted the importance of “mental days off,” as they call them in my profession. Sometimes dealing with emotional pain we cope in crazy ways, by using work, play, busyness etc. to numb out not realizing the volcano ash is still inside. Often, it seeps out in other ways.

I wrote my friend to tell her daughter some of these things.

1)       Don’t be alarmed. It’s Normal to have trouble focusing when emotions are broken, or we are brokenhearted. Break-ups can take weeks or months to heal. It takes time for relationships to build up and the mending season after takes time also. I had straight A ‘s also in high school and during a hard time in college found it very difficult (depressed and ADD) to concentrate. I went to tutoring lab for every science class including Micro. Tell her if she hasn’t yet, go to the tutor labs after class for added teaching and help to grasp concepts. I had to spend triple time studying than everyone else and a lot less social life subsequently

 

2)      Make time for exercise. It releases natural chemicals to soothe our emotions. I ran and played tennis. Although I dropped it due to “time studying” initially, I was advised strongly by a counselor to daily do some form of exercise. It clears the mind to concentrate relieving excess emotion.

 

3)      Healing comes through tears.

 

4)      Don’t compare herself to others, do what she has to do…hang in there. Pray for faith and the perseverance of Christ. The Holy Spirit is her Helper to come alongside and help her. She is not alone.  Talk to family and close friends in measure (not obsessively which burdens our thoughts). When others pray for us it brings peace of mind. Most importantly, Jesus is interceding from heaven for her always. (Hebrews 7:25) He will help her complete her course.

 

Faithful is He who calls her and He will do it     1 Thessalonians 5:25

She can do all things through Christ who strengthens her      Philippians 4:13

 

5 Daily Prayers that Can Change Your Life… and Relationships

1    Pray for a Spirit of Humility

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, acknowledge Him in all your ways and he will make your paths straight…Be not wise in your own eyes.  Proverbs 3:5-7

Avoid “If I do this or this happens then that must mean this will come about,” type of thinking. Obsessions. Pride. God’s thoughts are higher than mine on any given situation or person. He has perspective and understanding I don’t. Surrender.

What does the Lord require of you? To do justly, to love mercy, to walk humbly with God.    Micah 6:8

2    Be quick to listen, slow to wrath and slow to become angry                                                                                                    James 1:19

Man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life God desires. V.20   a patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly.  Prov 14:29

3    Let Go 

  Repeat it softly, prn.  Place your palm in front of your face. You can only control what’s on this side of your hand. You. Everything and everyone out there beyond —not!

 Let the peace of Christ rule in your heart.   Colossians 3:15

4    Posture, Dignity Worth   

She/he is clothed with strength and dignity Prov 31:25

 Charm is deceptive and beauty/good looks are fleeting; but a woman/man who fears the Lord is to be praised  31:30

Not fooled by charm or manipulation. Valuing ourselves and others as God does. Proverbs 31 pronouns “she” can be substituted with ” he” in many verses. If you are in a relationship, read it to each other owning the pronoun depending on your gender, he or she. Walk with confidence.

As God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with eachother and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.    Colossians 3:12-14 

5    Be Real   Real with God, real with people. Short accounts.

Walk as Jesus walked. He is the way, the truth (transparency), the life.

It gave me great joy to have some brothers come and tell about your faithfulness to the truth and how you continue to walk in the truth. I have no greater joy than that my children are walking in the truth.  3 John 3-4

 

Is Dating like Climbing a Mountain?

“For every 3 climbers who reached her summit, 1 died trying.”

What does climbing one of the most dangerous mountains in the world, Annapurna, and dating have in common? If we think of the arduous trek to a summit and liken it to the adventure and emotional hazards of dating to find marriage, I think we’ve found something.

The hiker’s journal chronicled his slow ascent daily moving closer, “scary and safe.” Even in the best times I have felt that mix. Have you?

Yesterday an old friend told me about a childhood friend, still unmarried—who hasn’t dated in years. “He fell in love with a woman in another country while living there years ago. Her parents said no—it messed him up,”  Recently, I heard of another man who dated and fell in love early in life only to be scorned. His broken heart never healed. He hasn’t dated for years. Both these men have hearts that have not stopped beating. They are not dead, yet.

So what if they decide to try again? Besides praying for courage and starting conversation, some polling statistics gathered by a dating service It’s Just Lunch, are good guidelines for the starting phase of “getting to know you.”

Don’t’s on the First Date: 

  • 40% Talking about ex
  • 35% Using cell phone, texting, etc.
  • 19%  Not making eye contact
  •   3%  Talking business, money, career
  •   3%  Name dropping

Best Topics for Conversation First Date:

  • 52% Hobbies, interests
  • 24% Travel
  • 10% Family
  • 8% Movies
  • 6% Food

The Annapura climber shared, “as a teenager I avidly devoured mountaineering and polar narratives.” He is writing about his passion in Southwest Air magazine. The wives of the climbing team hid goodies in their packs. Their shared passion and support extended to giving their husbands great distance and weeks of separation .

Although faith isn’t mentioned, we never need fear sharing our passion if it is our faith, anytime on a date. (Considering some of us are more verbal than others, over time we will discover what truly fuels eachother) Because if it is in our spirit, we need a person who’s intent on climbing the narrow path Jesus spoke of, and packing for heaven.

And even if we prepare, pack well, give time and use all our experience to date a person and head toward a lasting relationship, sometimes the obstacles are just too much. Dating involves risk and energy.  The experienced climbers, Annapurna hopefuls, felt defeated by the avalanche. But they are still alive, because they abandoned camp after much study and thousands of miles. “Nothing felt right…I’ve learned by now to accept defeat. The mountain always calls the shots.”

But that doesn’t mean this is their last trip. Nor is it ours who are single and studying.

 

Staying on the Same Page: Questions to Focus a Relationship.

Staying on the Same Page:  Questions to Focus a Relationship.

Recently a friend, Cheryl, shared questions she adapted from career goals to focus her relationship with a man she has been dating.  It was a good way to review and refocus their growth goals as a couple. What I like about it is taking the time to build  a good foundation takes, just that—time.  Evaluation and re-evaluation.  I remember a story where a builder being prompted to hurry the foundations of a stage in time for production asked,” Do you want it done fast, or do you want it done right?”  They postponed the play until the following week. Continue reading “Staying on the Same Page: Questions to Focus a Relationship.”

Dating Gone Awry by a Facebook Don Juan

Many of us have had strangers contact us on Facebook. My Dad just sent me the adventures of a ne'er do well internet prowler…

"Some persons asked me to join them on FACE BOOK.  No thanks.  I don't need my name, my address and the picture of my home sent around the world.  There's too many bad guys out there now. 

"I was acquainted with a neer de well young fellow who worked full time for friends of mine.  He thought himself a Don Juan and trolled the Internet (I have no idea how it's done), and he got silly adult women from one end of the country to the other to respond to his tempting mating calls (even tho he had separated from wife and two kiddies)  One gal on the job in Maine sent a pix of herself in a Bikini.  Not bad! 

Another tempting prospect in Seattle got him excited enough to visit her, but he found it more exciting than he wanted as her divorce in process husband began following them around.  He finally found a rich one in Alabama who invited him to come enjoy the prospects of working in her daddy's business. She made a quick trip first out here for a sample looksee. 

They were a match but  he came running back after 2 months. I don't know what went wrong, but I heard all this great escapade stuff while he helped me with deliveries from time to time. Pictures and addresses were like cards in a deck to play with.  Draw one, take two, discard one."

God’s Humor even In Hard Times

“I always wondered what God’s sense of humor meant,” my friend flipped her hair back while the rest of us listened curiously  grazing on an array of appetizers spanning our table.

 “And then I found out this week.” She grinned and continued.

 “I was done with a relationship—done with the deception, “So I collected 21/2 years of letters ripped them up and headed down to the river. I did this before, after my divorce. It helps me mark a new beginning. The papers landed shorn in the garbage by the bridge. I watched the water race by knowing it was time for me to move on. So I said goodbye and left the reminders and momentos of this relationship once again, at the foot of the bridge.

Still in a sad state, I walked around the old rooster town, where the silly birds are running around loose everywhere.

 Why did this have to happen God? I questioned the pain and the past a bit immersed in self pity.

 While standing entertained by those crazy chickens, suddenly an odd familiar verse floated through my mind like a breeze clearing cobwebs .

 “Why did the chicken cross the road?”  It’ was as if God was speaking to me.

 ”To get to the other side’” I answered the elementary joke still lost in thought. Then I just started laughing. How funny of God to use those raunchy roosters to impress the message to start new and start in a new place in my life.

 To make it even more memorable, on the way back to the car two men were pouring cement, After inquiring, I hired them to work at my house. Both of their names were George also.

 They started working this week and they are both good men. They are doing a great job. They have been really watching out for me this week in what I need to do and making great suggestions. So he used two good men named George to counteract the bad behavior of my old George.

 God is helping me. I’ve had so many changes in my life and now it is time to walk on God’s side even in my relationships with men. …with a man who knows God and follows Him.

It was as if I was leaving my past and preparing for a new future.

 I still marveled how he knew just how to humor me down to changing any negative thoughts I was having—even  about the name George.”  She chuckled  And now I can say confidently because I understand it…  ”God has a sense of humor.”

   God you have searched me and known me. You know when I sit and when I stand. You perceive my thoughts from afar. You are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my  tongue you know it completely , O Lord.      Psalm 139:1-4 para     

       

Dealbreakers, Unity and Minoring in the Minors

Dealbreakers. A counselor stated the Biggies, the ones difficult to overcome Anytime are the three A’s: Addiction. Adultery. Abuse.  But what are smaller ones that can tip the tea for two?

Do we know what we need to find peace and maintain stability before God and man on a daily basis?

What lifestyle choices  do we live out weekly, seasonally, annually that defines much of our activity in life—affecting those around us?  In relationships where we learn of one another and begin to grow together, we process more what our majors and minors are. Our dealbreakers. For any relationship to move forward we must major in the majors and minor in the minors.

 For example, some people see their homes as a private place, their sanctuary from people. One of my first roommates was like this; she didn’t like visitors to come to the home. She would meet them somewhere. It floored me at the time. Some see their home as a place of comfort for friends and family and treat those who visit as extended family. They like lots of interaction outside and inside the home.

 

Are we active, outdoors people or homebody, gardener types? Homebodies enjoy their home on their time off. They don’t want to be running around busy on the weekends. They want to relax. Active people can feel trapped by walls. Which leads to the definition of relaxing. What is calming to one person is not calming to another.

 Consider sound. Hard rock, jazz, country, quiet classical- tastes in music . HOw and when we listen to music can cause strife. Is it all day constant or just at mealtimes? I knew a man who waited for the days he had off and  his wife was at work so he “didn’t have to listen to his wife’s music.”

Is the television on all the time or never? Do we use the television like white noise to sleep or relax? Or does the sound of the television set drive us crazy?

How do we spend money to relax? Rented movies, big toy shopping trips… How do we spend money, period. Saver, spender, bargain hunter, tightwad? Do we view money as ours or see ourselves as stewards of the finances God gives us?

So many areas of a relationship can rock the boat of contentment and harmony and ultimately end the time a couple spends together. If they decide it is not something they can live out on a permanent basis.

Once I dated a man who had such a conviction about alcohol he did not want me to cook with it. Being Italian and cooking with garlic, onions, and wine felt natural. It was a difficult decision for me coming to terms with the extent of his addiction and my small sacrifice, which at the time, I resented. God changed me. This was a minor. He convicted me to stop trying to change his mind about the effects of cooking on alcohol. Instead I wrote a poem, which is what writers do with their feelings. Love demands of us a series of small commitments and sacrifices of time and effort to demonstrate love in action and shows God is working in us to create unity.

 Accepting you, accepting me,

Discovering Places we agree,

Allowing differences to be.

Not trying to change, the path you have lived,

The convictions that give

You the power to walk,

In your faith….dearly sought

At peace in God’s sight as before Him you stand

I need not be right, for I do see His hand

Upon you, upon me,

Creating

Unity.

"If your brother is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer acting in love….for the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit." Romans 14:15,17