A Song , A Psalm for the Weary Soul

 

desert storm

“I made it through that difficult time by praying and putting on praise music,” a friend recently shared when asked how she walked through a time of depression and angst.

I myself have found the Word of God and music to move beyond reason and my limited understanding to provide water to a dry soul.

How many times when our hearts are weary or low do we put on music that soothes our hearts?

In the book of Job, 9:27, the man afflicted with the loss of his children, home, health and business said, “I will leave off my heaviness and comfort myself.”In Isaiah 61:3 the great prophet wrote, “God consoles those who mourn by giving them a garment of praise for a spirit of heaviness.” When we reach for the earpiece or headphone or cd…it is a step toward serenity.

King David, warrior, King,writer, shepherd, worshipper of God wrote over 3000 Psalms—many reflecting troubled times. From the age of twenty-something, he cried out to God sharing his souls anguish and embittered mind,  only to consistently end his songs with comforting thoughts. A will to hope and express faith in a Mighty God beyond what his feelings dictated. A trust God would contend with enemies that assailed him relentlessly. The upward gaze was modeled byMoses too, the oldest author of the psalms who wrote Psalm 90 !

The Psalms, also called the Psalterium “ A Collection of Songs” to be used with Musical instruments, are located in the middle of the Bible. They were written by various men of God, but we can experience our own peace in the twenty-first century by reading them, singing them to musical instruments or by stringing them together –pulling out the verses that mean most to our particular situation and writing them out.

Recently I found a medley of Psalms I puzzled together in my late twenties after returning from overseas as a  traveling missionary–completely on empty. The job market had changed, I needed to adjust to new surroundings, friends, church ill with some bug that lasted a couple months. Unsure what my new direction was … the psalms helped express what I needed to say. Here is what I came up with and as timeless as music is…still comforts today.

“When I am afraid I will trust in you. In God whose Word I praise. In God I trust. I will not be afraid for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until this disaster has passed. I said, “oh that I had the wings of a dove, I would fly away and be at rest. I would flee far away and stay in the desert. I would hurry to my place of shelter far from the tempest and storm. But I call to God and the Lord hears me. He ransoms me unharmed from the battle waged before me. I give vows to you O God, for you have delivered my soul from death and my feet from stumbling that I may walk before you in the light of life. Cast your cares upon the Lord and He will sustain you. He will never suffer the righteous to be moved.

 Your love O Lord reaches to the heavens.

Your faithfulness to the skies.

Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains.

Your justice a great deep.

O Lord you preserve both man and beast.  How priceless is your unfailing love?

 Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of your wings. You will cover us with your feathers and

Under your wings we will find refuge. Your faithfulness will be my shield and rampart. He who dwells in the secret place of the most High will rest in the Shadow of the Almighty. The Lord our God in the midst of us is mighty. He will save

He will rejoice over us with joy. He will rest in His love, He will joy over us with singing” (Zeph 3:17 last verse)

If you are weary and wondering and praying…try going through the psalms and finding relief through prayer. God hears you and loves you.

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How to Weed Hearts and Grow a Garden for Two

 

Japanese Garden SF

Yesterday I weeded the little patch across from the sliding glass door where our budding rose tree dove toward the dirt midweek. Steve propped it up with a stake again and I yanked at crabgrass ½ inch round and 6 inches under—that nasty grass is back? Wow. I’d spent hours removing stones and crabgrass many springs ago.

 

Now, it felt right to have my  husband working it too—two tending their garden together.  Spring a decade past “weeding and writing” filled my days in the midst of writing my book and acquiring a fixer upper.

 

Gardening invadedmy thoughts after hearing “You have a garden with every person in your life.”  How was I doing maintaining the garden with various friends and family? I hated weeding which was a chore growing up.

 

Pondering this concept, I first practiced “weeding sessions” when I was dating.  We would share observations, disgruntles and negative emotions that were hiding dormant (unseen) by the other. Of course, many times we knew something was up because although hidden by silence, nonverbals would creep through like crabgrass roots strangling any beneficial growth. I knew once exposed and removed, seeds could be sown, beautiful thoughts and good acts and deeds to nourish the soil of our heart and create a fragrant garden together. It required care and commitment.

 

Every plot of land, every relationship or garden between two people needs maintenance. Is there a child we are at odds with? An estranged sibling? Difficult parent or spouse? Critical thoughts, like weeds must be chucked. God’s counsel, His Word, encourages us to forgive as Christ forgave us insults, being misunderstood, harshness, apathy. Failures, mistakes, and wounds from ill-spoken words or none at all.

 

People are fragile. Handle with care, a saying from my teens, reminds me of flowers. Hearts must be fertilized and tended, seeded by affirming thoughts and prayers resulting in spoken affirmations and validations. Making plans and creating good memories replants the ground of our heart with fragrant blooms where once weeds stood dominant. We must get past the past to plan and create thriving gardens, joyful flowers.

 

As we rehearse prayerfully and practice speaking the truth in love, we become more skilled. When we measure our words with respect and intentionally speak in a gentle tone, anger defuses. When we allow Christ to teach us humility, God’s ways, to practice understanding—we look at the beam in our own eye before mentioning the beam in someone else’s. The rubble and weeds of pride break free from our hearts. When judgement dies, mercy lives, mercy that triumphs over judgement.

 

I never garden in the rain. Nowadays I am learning to observe the sunshine or dampness on my husband’s face—like noting the weather condition in his life. It’s like God saying when. Wait. Not now, means more time to pray for softness for both of us. Ground that is ready. Diplomacy means we agree to meet… and weed. Without agreement stubborn weeds resist. Timing is everything. I love to weed after a good rain- the weeds come out with half the effort.

 

How do we live without grace? Not only being gracious with someone else but with ourselves. Each situation is different even if it’s the same issue whether with the same person or someone else. If we have avoided resolving conflict from fear of how-to, if we haven’t pursued building a relationship or garden with someone for awhile—our tools will be rusty. It starts with asking God for help and courage to start.

We are equipped with all we need—two ears to listen patiently, one mouth to say less over more and a heart that beats to love as God designed. We must let go of the outcome before we start, but not let go of an attitude of  faith, hope and love. It is impossible to plan a conversation or control it. We must trust  our Master Gardener to help us get in and start when he says now. He knows how to prune anything and how to grow every flower and fragrance we can imagine—or can’t.  

 

Pursue (think plant!)  righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience and gentleness of heart.   1 Timothy 6:11 

 

 

 

 

Japanese Garden SF

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Shame, a Spiritual Battle

 

When God breaks

the Silence of Shame (haunting actions, thoughts and words hiding in our heads)

There is no End

To  GAIN

No End to AIM

only     An END to PAIN.

Humility and Shame can’t live together.

Humility shares what shame hides…from God, from man, from us.

When we receive, embrace and squeeze

the Gifts of Forgiveness,

Acceptance and Unconditional Love from our Creator…

Something breaks inside

Chains

that bind,

And wind us up tight

Into silence—begin

to slip

and slide.

Motivation returns,

Dreams,Plans, exploration…

life re-surfaced, renewed.

Once the barriers of self loathing vanish

so go

Cocoons and other dark things…

Love and Acceptance brings

Hope with Wings—

 

Shame seems to be one of the most useless, disabling emotions. It taunts “you are made of bad stuff” and there’s nothing that can be done about that.  It neglects the great gift of forgiveness and salvation.

It does not teach, “you are doing bad things and you can stop those actions and replace them with good ones.” It does not grace, “You used to act destructive toward others, but that is not your m.o. anymore.” It is the voice whether in ourselves or coming from the enemy of our souls that takes guilt and twists it all around inside of us, as one friend said so well. It is the voice that jeers, “you can never change what you will always be” and drops you off at the recycle bin.

 The invisible cloak of shame is worn daily by people of all ages and life callings.

Recently I sat across from a good friend, a really loving Christian woman. She shook her head, “I feel so much shame from my past.” She looked sad and I felt sad for her. How many of us can struggle with shame? Need to break free of the “bad” branding? Is the act of forgiving ourselves  and receiving God’s love and mercy long overdue?

Our accuser would love to pin us on a wall and leave us there, stuck with this label so we cannot walk or move about as loved and loving people of dignity and worth.

“I should be ashamed of myself!” a businessman spouted, “for not making a deadline.” Cringe. Yes, learn from the mistake, then let it go and time yourself better next time. That label can act like a weight around your neck and drag your head to downcast position for tomorrow—your new day!  

Last year I sat across from my husband at the kitchen table one morning. We had been going to counseling and I felt particularly ashamed of my eruptive temper that led to mistrust. Newlywed bliss had turned to daily banter. We prayed for courage and faith to overcome the doubt and despair in this season of crisis. We continued to work with God on changing our ways, but I needed to say something aloud to my husband. And say it with a conviction God inspired. It was the beginning of a turning point.

“I won’t stay in shame. I may have done a bad thing, but I’m not a bad person.

I forgive myself and God forgives me.”

“I have to build trust and work on forgiveness.”

We listened to each other and agreed as the sunshine beamed over our coffee. God heard our talk and our prayers. It was a new day and the beginning of a new way through our struggles.

Scriptures and thoughts to help you shine on the shame:

“If we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”  1 John 1;9

If God forgives us, why can’t we?  If Jesus died for our sins so we can have forgiveness, and we don’t receive it, we are saying, “What you did on the cross isn’t good enough for me Jesus.”

Why would Jesus die for me and my sins and freedom?

Because we are His treasured possession and He loves us. (Deuteronomy 7:6-9)

God began declaring His love for His people generations ago when He provided escape via the Exodus of His people from slavery in Egypt to freedom.

God shows and clearly proves His love for us by the fact Christ, our Savior died for us (Romans 5:8) when we didn’t even love Him or care). “God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him would not perish but have everlasting life.” (John 3:16)

Jesus died on the cross to set us free from sin and shame. He said He came a light into this world, so whoever believes, cleaves, trusts and relies on Him—will not continue to live in darkness— but have the freedom of forgiveness and light of life to live under. No more darkness, shame and hiding and no more pining away in remorse and regret, dark shadows of the past. No more feeling like a walnut shriveled up inside its shell, but rather a branch that is laden with life and fruit!

 “Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God. Once you had not obtained mercy, but now you have obtained mercy.” (1 Peter 2:10)

Confess. Receive. Let Go. Live. Jesus our Redeemer said, the truth sets us free…He did not come to condemn…but to save. Now that’s good news any time of the day.

 

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Christmas Reindeer – remembering Sam

“Every Good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the Heavenly lights who does not change like shifting shadows.”  James 1:17  

Two weeks ago I thought about this verse as I  pulled two metallic outdoor reindeer and a strand of colorful lights out of my green and red outdoor box  in the garage rafters. I fastened Benji to the leash to watch in the annual tradition—placing two reindeer, one big and one little on the front hill. Each  are named.

 “Good to see you Sammy reindeer,” I felt a surge of joy as I pounded the tent stake into the ground to hold his bent feet in place.

Sammy, my beautiful Lab who gave me ten years of incredible love died in May. I stopped and gazed at the star studded sky. Your watching me  from up there instead of from next to me like last Christmas! I thought about Sam in his tie walking down the aisle in our wedding party last year, with his little brother Benji. His love and friendship and companionship brought soulful significance to a season of my life.

God, thank you for the wonder of animals. Thank you for the joy they bring to our lives . I am so grateful to have had a joy like Sam  for a decade of my life. He was such a gift, a heavenly gift. Life wouldn’t have been the same without him..

 As I scanned the stars that night, I felt a sense of wonder how God created Sam, just like he creates all our creatures , it seems just for each of us. What a wonder, that we have a Heavenly Father who gives such precious gifts money can’t buy.

Each relationship that fills our hearts with joy, whether friend or family or furry critter… all are the perfect gifts from our Heavenly Father.

And the gift of His Son Jesus,  has brought  love and forgiveness, meaning and purpose to every day of my life, through all times and weather and seasons of gain or loss strung together.

In Him was life and His life was the Light of men.  John 1:4

Merry Christmas Everyone.  May God shine His light on you today and grace you with His  love, comfort, hope and presence daily…

our Greatest Present .

 

Dee Aspin

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Fantasy Pain. When emotion rules reason.

fantasy pain

This blog on “Fantasy Pain” was kindled after talking with a single friend about something women can seem particularly susceptible to, whether they read Harlequin novels or not. Fantasizing about a Prince Charming  who is really a friend, possible friend, or… maybe only an acquaintance… and certainly not interested in romance!

Fantasy pain is crippling to a single person. It keeps one from walking in the certainty of real presence and exchange with another person, real love. It creates feelings of rejection, projection and disconnection with someone we don’t even have a defined relationship with, but we know and like.  I slipped into this at times as a single who found myself liking a man from afar, far away from the ability yet to take the risk of reality. Openess.

What is it? It is pain toward a romantic interest without the commitment of a relationship.

It’s when we really like someone and think about them and feel pain, the pain of our inner affection not being returned.  We perceive they feel the same. We may know them a little or a lot. We can hang with them, and desire a committed relationship with them, but nothing is verbalized. There has never been an exchange of vulnerability, ie sharing feelings for eachother or a “talk”.

Any “relationship” that hasn’t taken the step of talking about eachother to eachother becomes a “mind game”, a fantasy. We can think the person has feelings and involvement with us, but they don’t. They might, but we don’t know because there has been no risk. Risk and opening the door to talk is when the fantasy either becomes real because it is validated by the other person

If it remains locked in our minds and we feel pain, it is Fantasy pain—the feelings of rejection, projection, and disconnection often result. 

If we are not comfortable to expose our feelings and talk to this “friend,”  it is time to back up and out of the pain. It does not mean that person is not to be in our life. It does not mean we are cowards. It means we are not in a place and neither are they, especially if together many actions and words are double-messages, to have a healthy relationship right now. Healthy relationships take two people talking and communicating about life and feelings.

The answer out of fantasy pain is exposing it to the light. Recognize it. Respond to it , don’t run from it and deny it. Decide to call it” real.” Two choices are to talk or detach. Guard your heart. God doesn’t create us to live in unwarranted pain, fantasy pain. Whatever you want to call it. Trust God to lead the dance and start the music again with that person when the time is right if they are to be a dance partner for a season or for life.

If the talk has materialized and feelings asserted platonic on their end, Don’t feed the fantasy by calling a person and initiating contact. There’s power in a voice and presence. If the person responds to helping fill needs out of kindness or provide companionship for activities without display of a special interest—it will be misinterpreted as rejection. If a man is interested in a woman he will let her know.

Love requires commitment and commitment makes us  vulnerable to hurt from the start. It is a fact of love. But in that vulnerability, like soft watered ground, seeds of flowers germinate and sprout into flowers that bring fragrance and joy.

There will always be pain at some level when two people share space and thoughts and life. In a relationship, we ask God to comfort us as we work through the pain of imperfect people, us and our significant other, saying words and doing things that feel belittling, harsh or dismantling to growth and health.  This is part of life and every relationship I have experienced before and in my marriage.

We all know that love and some pain go together. Jesus demonstrated love before his walk to the cross. He chose to love disciples knowing they would sleep when He needed them most and run in fear instead of stand by Him in danger. He gave them a second chance to pull through as he gives us still today, modeling how we are to treat others.

Real pain when exposed in a healthy relationship will be tended and stopped. Together the tourniquet is applied to stop the bleeding from unforeseen scrapes and falls as we walk together through life, continuing to talk and move forward slowly—checking in with each other to assess if “we’re alright”. Walking or dancing, solid relationships communicate. It starts with care and connection from the first walk in the park to the first dance in the gazebo—and on into marriage through to the first, tenth and silver anniversaries.

 

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default iconRetirement Savings vs Dreams and Youth

                                  

I have mixed feelings listening to financial advisers to young people.

If you want to travel you must make a choice.” At 15 I loved listening to my friend’s mom whose adventures entertained two freckle-faced teenagers.“You either save and use the money to travel or you spend it on your back, clothes and shoes.”

That challenge ignited a dream. I wanted to travel more than a bee wants honey. My first paycheck after college,.I began to save for a trip to Europe. Each meal I didn’t eat out became a meal overseas. Vacation savings grew. My goal allowed one treat to Macdonald’s—once a month.

Stoking my ambition were the patients with dashed retirement dreams who would look up at the young spindly nurse from their beds. “Don’t put off today what you think you want to do tomorrow. You never know what your health will be like when you retire. “Make sure you live your life so you don’t have regrets looking back.” How grateful I am to those people for their perspective and bed of suffering to speak into my youth.

I trekked a backpack trip to Europe that remains a wonderful memory and included seeing relatives who passed soon after.

Saving for retirement and traveling when I could was not always the most prudent thing. Once upon returning to further education I had time but no money. Five weeks of travel in Israel, Greece, Egypt and Rome on plastic took two years to pay off. A poor financial move, but I was young. Egypt was safe at the time. I gladly made the payments later.

True if I had saved more intensely those early years, it would have multiplied for these later years. But there’s a balance in everything.  And now with health limits myself, those travel experience  prove irreplaceable. Those were my International study, poly sci and sociology classes wrapped up in one. I discovered God was as close to me 2000 miles away as at home and the community of believers are all over the world.

By the mid thirties those carefree years were over. Responsibilty ruled and prudence. Time to settle down and save for retirement. A season of life had passed and I knew it.

The advice of my girlfriends mother rang true. Clothes can eat our money. A house or condo can too. It is easy to be a material girl in a material world…but it can rob us. Who can tell if we wear clothes from consignment shops, or garage sales? Or that our furniture is a mixture of new and used?

If we are enjoying the fruits of our labor, God has given us enough to share. Scripture says, “those who gathered more had nothing over and those who gathered little had no lack.” There’s probably enough that we can choose to not add another dress or lamp or book and support a child in another country who has nothing. No shoes. No schoolbooks. Not enough food.

If we have change, a car and food in the refrigerator we are the top 2% of the world.

So let us enjoy what we have been given financially and pursue our dreams with choice and with cost. Hopefully in our financial planning we will include benefitting others to pursue their dreams too, so we may all live together grateful to God for the opportunities he has given us.

“Young man, it’s wonderful to be young! Enjoy every minute of it. Do everything you want to do. Take it all in. But remember that you must give an account to God for everything you do…don’t let the excitement of youth cause you to forget your Creator…”  Ecclesiastes 11:9 , 12:1

 

 

 

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Hope When Words are a Life Sentence

 

One morning a few years ago I visited a unit at Juvenile Hall. My spirit was low that morning, but it quickly edged upward again.It started with a door and a breeze

My footsteps echoed endlessly down the long corrider, then silence. I stopped to grip the handle of the steel door. A sign peeled at the edges grabbed my attention: “Please make sure this door closes behind you. The wind keeps it from closing. Thank you.”

The sign turned strangely to a spiritual message as I walked through the door. A strong gust of wind met me. I glimpsed my brother through the anteroom window at a desk facing a group of t-shirted teens.

For a moment the door symbolized our human attempts to restrain evil without the wind of God to bring the change and force from the mysterious invisible but ever present  Holy Spirit. Jesus described God’s presence through the third person of the Godhead as being like the wind. Now that wind, just like this strange breeze—must be reckoned with. I leaned my body against the heavy door until it clicked.  God will be reckoned with beyond the efforts of man to shut Him out of our human institutions housing the oppressed, the unhealthy the outcasts of society…I thought.

Soon I listened to the troubled teen before me.

“Pray for my court date. They said I could get 40 years to life.” I cringed inside, That’s a pretty rough statement to digest for an eighteen year old youth.

“But I’m hoping they see it was self-defense. My Grandma said,’God could move mountains.’”

“Yes, He can,” I agreed. “I worked as a nurse for many years. What you have been told and how it feels is no different than cancer patient’s when doctor’s drop news to them, ‘You have 6 weeks left.’ Some told me this had been said twenty years before. My eyes caught a curious glint from the sad brown eyes facing me.

“Men’s words can leave us feeling hopeless. That’s why we have to look to God. He rules. Men may tell us bad news, hopeless words. A man, whether a judge or a doctor, may not know God has something else ahead, something no one knows.” Jesus said ‘What is impossible with men is possible to God.” Luke 18:27

Two months ago a man I know of, married with 2 children, was told he would never use his arms again or be able to work. Can you imagine being told you can never use your arms or hands again? The teenager shook his head, eyes wide. We all prayed for him. He flew out of state to a different medical team. This week, that man is back working at his job using his arms.

None of us knows what can happen to change our life course. God has a perspective, because He is God, no one on this earth can see. It was easy to speak confidently of God’s ways and words. Life experiences provide a reservoir to draw from for older believers as myself.

“Whatever you hear, even if they say forty years for your sentence, don’t take it to heart. In five years God can put another judge to see things in a new light. New evidence, new mercy. Don’t let man’s words steal your hope. Keep your eyes on God like the young man David did in the deserts of Judea with an army after him threatening he would cease to exist.”

The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life, of whom shall I be afraid? Psalm 27:1

Today reminded me to trust God for my little friend and trust His words and ways could blast open the doors of hope again and lighten the cross this young man must carry. “Although this is your cross, it is not forever.” We reflected on Hebrews 12:,2  Jesus for the joy set before Him endured the cross.  He gained the heavenly perspective in the garden and then for the joy set before him, endured the cross the next day. He knew it wouldn’t be forever. Our bad times are not forever either. All trials will end on this earth. The path may be steep, and may be long but it is also limited.

Forever is where we will be together with all the overcomers of this life starting today.

What a comfort God gives. What relief His mercy brings.  No matter what human court sentences or scientific mind predicts hurling hope into a dark void,  the sun will come out tomorrow. Hope’s glimmer begins with but a simple acknowledgement God is with us. We are never alone. He can tip the scales anytime and weigh in heavily for us…on life.

Our trials will transition… one day on into forever. Let us encourage one another daily with God’s language– hope.

After all the gusts of wind, the hope of the Holy Spirit can resist any human sign threatening to shut the door to release, relief. God’s Spirit can whip in from any direction at any time, a heavenly current flowing from a power source no human arm can cut-off. Hope cannot be corralled in human halls of doom.

rainbow

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Bigger than Life; Sherwood Carthen . A Sunday memorandum at Bayside North.

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“He was bigger than life in every way,” this morning Pastor Ray Johnston of Granite Bay Bayside shared the untimely death of fellow pastor Sherwood Carthen of BOSS church. His passing Wednesday saddened many in Sacramento.

The Sacramento Bee honored him and noted his passing left a “grateful city” for the help and encouragement he gave us. Because of his life and legacy, we are a “kinder, healthier, more stable city…we need more people to be like him.” Bishop Carthen touched many beyond family and friends including his church, the Kings (as their chaplain), the Mayor, pastors, the Juvenile Chaplaincy, (he worked with gangs) to mention a few.

Sherwood’s two shining gifts—the “gift of preaching and encouragement” were remarkable as Ray explained.

 I was listening to a CD from his visit a year ago at our church the day before he died. He shared God’s Word and spoke it through the power of the Holy Spirit with application—like no one. Maybe, because as he shared in a clip today, he was a “drug baby.” He was drug to church morning, noon and night by his parents growing up in the south. Of course we, the Bayside congregation, laughed this morning. Sherwood Always made us laugh—not to mention cry and well up with tears or conviction whenever he preached!

He spoke from his heart, his life and his true love for our Savior. Quotes via video of Sherwood talking compelled us to strive, to aim, for excellence -

“The Lord spoke to me; ‘at your best, at your best—at your best, Sherwood—you are a Servant.’”

“I want to hear… well done you good and faithful servant… you were faithful over the few, now I will make you ruler over many… If I do that I will be a success.”

“I just want to be able to say I was the best I could be as a Dad, a Pastor a friend, a Husband….”

The Bayside worship leader explained Bayside’s worship team spent a

week with Sherwood at Mount Hermon this summer. He felt the urgency Sherwood taught, “Pursuing Christ relentlessly.” “Are you pursuing Christ with all you have?” remains his baton phrase.

“On Wednesday, Sherwood changed addresses,” Pastor Ray stated and in the next comment referred to Sherwood’s book, Amen, all by Myself. His quirky phrase visiting white congregations always drew laughter, after a huge point he made in a sermon was followed by—silence!

“Amen, All by Myself,” he would pout {pretend} and mumble into the microphone ‘how hard’ we are to teach!

“He will never be able to say “Amen all by Myself.” He is with the saints now,” Pastor Ray Johnston concluded.

 

The funeral service will be held Friday at Capital Christian Center on Micron Avenue at 10am and will last from 4-6 hours most likely. The Bayside Granite Bay campus will video live stream the funeral for those who would like to drop in and pay respects in a manner their schedule affords beginning at 10am.

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Dealbreakers, Unity and Minoring in the Minors

I wrote this as a single woman 3 years ago and now as a married woman..it still rings true. So I decided to repost it.

Dealbreakers. A counselor stated the Biggies, the ones difficult to overcome Anytime are the three A’s: Addiction. Adultery. Abuse.  But what are smaller ones that can tip the tea for two?

Do we know what we need to find peace and maintain stability before God and man on a daily basis?

What lifestyle choices  do we live out weekly, seasonally, annually that defines much of our activity in life—affecting those around us?  In relationships where we learn of one another and begin to grow together, we process more what our majors and minors are. Our dealbreakers. For any relationship to move forward we must major in the majors and minor in the minors.

For example, some people see their homes as a private place, their sanctuary from people. One of my first roommates was like this; she didn’t like visitors to come to the home. She would meet them somewhere. It floored me at the time. Some see their home as a place of comfort for friends and family and treat those who visit as extended family. They like lots of interaction outside and inside the home.

Are we active, outdoors people or homebody, gardener types? Homebodies enjoy their home on their time off. They don’t want to be running around busy on the weekends. They want to relax. Active people can feel trapped by walls. Which leads to the definition of relaxing. What is calming to one person is not calming to another.

Consider sound. Hard rock, jazz, country, quiet classical- tastes in music . HOw and when we listen to music can cause strife. Is it all day constant or just at mealtimes? I knew a man who waited for the days he had off and  his wife was at work so he “didn’t have to listen to his wife’s music.”

Is the television on all the time or never? Do we use the television like white noise to sleep or relax? Or does the sound of the television set drive us crazy?

How do we spend money to relax? Rented movies, big toy shopping trips… How do we spend money, period. Saver, spender, bargain hunter, tightwad? Do we view money as ours or see ourselves as stewards of the finances God gives us?

So many areas of a relationship can rock the boat of contentment and harmony and ultimately end the time a couple spends together. If they decide it is not something they can live out on a permanent basis.

Once I dated a man who had such a conviction about alcohol he did not want me to cook with it. Being Italian and cooking with garlic, onions, and wine felt natural. It was a difficult decision for me coming to terms with the extent of his addiction and my small sacrifice, which at the time, I resented. God changed me. This was a minor. He convicted me to stop trying to change his mind about the effects of cooking on alcohol. Instead I wrote a poem, which is what writers do with their feelings. Love demands of us a series of small commitments and sacrifices of time and effort to demonstrate love in action and shows God is working in us to create unity.

Accepting you, accepting me,

Discovering Places we agree,

Allowing differences to be.

Not trying to change, the path you have lived,

The convictions that give

You the power to walk,

In your faith….dearly sought

At peace in God’s sight as before Him you stand

I need not be right, for I do see His hand

Upon you, upon me,

Creating

Unity.

“If your brother is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer acting in love….for the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.” Romans 14:15,17

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Getting Ready and Getting Out…the Single Life

I have been asked often and recently, “How did you finally get married? What do I need to do?”  This and next week I will post some thoughts.

lovebirds

Ultimately it is all grace… a God given gift that I met my mate. I still consider marriage a miracle at any age, after waiting for decades to meet and marry the right person.

However, knowing the ruts we can get into I did find a poem written years ago after talking with a friend and some observations on grief that seemed to coincide well with it. Because there is a grief in an unfulfilled desire as the verse says, “A desire unfulfilled makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.”Proverbs13:12

I share those now to encourage singles to take the path less trod as they socialize and live their lives with their God-given bends and interests. Ultimately it is what turned my relationship with my husband to a romance. One broad social email  to ten friends to attend an outdoor concert turned to two – me and him. And driving to the hills that night alone and content, he texted…”I think I can come.”  So Don’t Stay in A Corner!! Get out , at least once every week or two….and be open, and brave :)

The Corner

It’s hard to hear you talk

About this problem you have got

About how you can’t meet men

When over and over again

You go to the corner.

 

The world is full of places

And there are plenty of Godly faces

But you always see one or two

Because all you ever do

Is go to the corner.

 

And I bet for you my sister

That when you meet your mister

He’s running free and out of view

Not waiting there for you

In the corner.

 

So when you’re feeling some adventure

Even daring to go alone

It may be just the time

He’s looking and he’ll find

You- when you’re not doing time

In the corner.

The same conversation with a friend lamenting, discouraged and hopeless is a grieving- it is the single lament, the song of a bird looking for a mate alone on a telephone wire. I had my lovesick moments too!!

“Crazy is doing same thing over and over expecting different results”- I have a hard time listening

Some thoughts  from the book Experiencing Grief  (pp 5,6) by Norman Wright which apply to singles in a corner from fear or pain of rejection or loss of relationship (s)…

“A multitude of emotions is involved in the grief process- emotions that seem out of control and often appear in conflict with one another.  With each loss comes bitterness,emptiness, apathy, love, anger, guilt , sadness, fear, self-pity,… and helplessness.  These feelings have been described in this way:

These feelings usher in the emotional freeze that covers solid ground with ice, making movement in any direction seem precarious and dangerous. Growth is hidden, progress seems blocked, and one bleakly speculates that just because the crocuses made it through the snow last Year is no reason to believe that they can do it again this year. It’s not a pretty picture.”

I pray for all the wonderful singles who are looking for a mate. There are so many wonderful people of both genders waiting and wanting to meet a companion for life. It is honorable and natural. But when we get discouraged…we can become our own worse enemies. And beware of self-pity.

Self-pity is the worse when we are at these points. We are not clams stuck at the bottom of the ocean to wait for food to come to us. We are more like  turtles who have legs to move,  even if slow …  forward!

We must pray for courage and move out beyond our borders and our self-imposed corners. Jesus is always with us. We are never alone…

 

 

 

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